Cracking Down: The NHL Has Unveiled A New Hyperbolic Penalty Box That Makes 3 Minutes Inside It Feel Like 500 Years

Hockey has a well-earned reputation as one of the most brutal major athletics, and now the NHL is taking a decisive measurement to promote musician security: The league has unveiled a new hyperbolic penalty container that induces three minutes inside it feel like 500 years.

A penalty that lasts half a millennium for the musician but only a few minutes of real time? This is going to seriously change the route video games is played.

The hyperbolic penalty containers, who the hell is unveiled to a packed stadium at a Penguins game last nighttime, are designed to slow period by more than 87 million percent and force players to sit trapped, just out of reach of specific actions on the ice, for what is like centuries. Musicians who started fightings, harassed adjudicators, or charged foes were all sent to the hyperbolic container yesterday, where they reportedly watched the world around them slacken to a glacial pace before their eyes and remained that route for more than 40 million hours before they were put back into the game, just three minutes later.

Last night, Sidney Crosby officially became the first man to be sent to the box during NHL gameplay, and when he emerged, he immediately fell to the ground gasping and sobbing, having lost his ability to both skate and speak English after 500 years of lonelines from his perspective.

“When a musician is placed inside the penalty box, it can take periods for anyone on the outside to look like they’ve moved even a millimeter, which commits them plenty of time to think about the foul they committed, ” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, emphasizing that officials can throw players inside for misdemeanours ranging from punching to high-sticking. “Because they are only actually experiencing three minutes, the musician in appeals chamber will never have to sleep or seem hunger during the 500 years they are forced to perceive, so hopefully they’ll think twice about perpetrating a penalty again.”

“We likewise take the skates of any musician sent to the penalty chamber to make sure they can’t kill themselves in there, ” added Bettman.

And the pilot program is already a success! After a stint in the hyperbolic penalty container last nighttime, Crosby huddled when other players get near him for the rest of video games, and every time the puck came his lane, he would look at the tally recognizes that he had carved into his skin with his fingernails and become silent. Then subsequently, when a ref called Crosby for slashing, he collapsed onto the ice and began screaming in a feral speech, clearly opting death over being sent back to the new penalty box.

Player safety FTW!

Bottom line, the NHL is cracking down on their players, and the athletes are ultimately paying attention. So don’t be surprised if, thanks to the league, you find a safer, better game–because when that buzzer goes off three minutes later and players are liberated from the hyperbolic penalty container, they’ll definitely be a little more careful with the fights they pick next time.

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