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Its Summer! Time To Go Camping With Your Dad And His Friends!

You are one teenager. You are sitting softly, thinking of the end of civilization, when suddenly you find yourself near the whereabouts of your daddy. “Let’s go camping, ” says your papa. “It’s the hot month of Summer and you need to become an adult! Nothing becomes a teenaged nothing into a middle-aged everything quite like a trip to the lumbers with an adult dad like me. Come live in a tent with me and I’ll teach you how to be a grown-up.”

You get in your dad’s camping truck, which he won in a raffle during his religion.

“Before we go camping, we’ve got to pick up my friends, ” says your father. “They are “ve called the” Pals of Dad, because they’re my friends and I’m your dad. Each one is an expert in one of the three Pillars of Adulthood: Romance, Ghost Stories, and Treasure Hunting.”

Your dad screams with fury. It is the kind of wordless, furious shriek that a daddy builds when his child refuses to become an adult in the timbers. “What, are you going to be an adolescent salad of shyness your entire life? That’s poroporsterorosonesstouss! ” Your father loves to say “preposterous, ” but he doesn’t really know how to pronounce it.

“My first friend is named Don Suave. He’s the ever-sexual King of Kiss, and he can teach you how to ask your crush out on a date.”

“Here I am, ” says Don Suave. “Look how romantic I am.” He kisses himself on the back of his hand and a beautiful, thorn-studded rose grows out of his skin where he’s kissed himself. “It’s incredibly painful every time, ” says Don Suave.

Don Suave clambers into the back seat of your dad’s camping truck and you drive off to pick up your dad’s next friend.

“My second pal is named Bathrobe Samuel, ” says your dad. “His parents named him Bathrobe Samuel because when he was born his epithet was Samuel and he is always wearing a bathrobe. Bathrobe Samuel is a master of ghost legends and he will teach you to listen to a scary story without calling, which is the adult behavior to be afraid.”

“Here I am, ” says Bathrobe Samuel. “I get my minds for scary narratives from the indicator cards I find every morning in the pockets of my robe. I don’t know who puts the indicator cards in there, but the tales written on them are horrifying.” He climbs into the backseat of your dad’s camping truck and you drive on to pick up the next friend.

“My third friend is named Bean Bagg. He’s a master treasure hunter and he will teach you to discover jewels in caves, ” says your daddy. “It’s great that he’s coming camping with us because he will teach you to become a lord treasure hunter.”

“Here I am, ” says Bean Bagg. “I’m going to teach you how to find Tylenol in the lumbers that you can trade in for sandals at the Tylenol-4-Sandalz X-Change. The secrets I teach you will construct you old.”

Don Suave and Bathrobe Samuel clap their hands as Bean Bagg joins them in the backseat of your dad’s camping truck. That’s all of your dad’s friends! Now it’s time to chief to the woods.

You fall asleep and have a dream about a piece of paper. When you wake up, you are in the woods.

“Let the camping begin! ” says your daddy. “The first thing all serious campers do is pitch a tent. You know how to pitch a tent, don’t you? ”

“It’s okay that you don’t know how to pitch a tent, ” says your daddy. “It’s an adult thing to acknowledge when you don’t know something. My own father used to say to me,’ Son, I don’t know a single goddamned thing. Every day I have to pay a human to explain to me what eating is. Every day I blink, I envision I’ve died for half of a second. I’m wildly stupid.’ He was the most adult person I ever satisfied. Prepare to learn how to pitch a tent.”

“The stairs for pitching a tent are 😛 TAGEND

1. Gather twigs.
2. Set twigs into pile.
3. Find a buffalo that deserves to die, and then skin the evil buffalo.
4. Drape bad buffalo’s scalp over twigs.

Did you get all that? ”

You look around for a tent that’s already been put in and find one immediately.

“Yes, I will repeat it. The steps for pitching a tent are 😛 TAGEND

1. Gather twigs.
2. Put sprigs into pile.
3. Find a buffalo that deserves to die, and then scalped the evil buffalo.
4. Drape bad buffalo’s skin over twigs.

Did you get all that? ”

You wander off into the woods to find the furnishes you need to pitch a tent. The first thing you’ll necessity is some branches. You hear person in the eastern part of the lumbers holler, “I adoration my sprig! I desire my twig! ”

You hear person in the western part of the timbers cry, “I hate my log! I cannot stand the logs I’ve get! ”

From the south, you can hear the music of something weird and quiet happening.

You leave whatever horrible nonsense that was and return to the path. You hear person in the eastern part of the woods holler, “I enjoy my twig! I enjoy my twigs! ”

You hear person in the western part of the timbers cry, “I hate my logs! I cannot stand the logs I’ve got! ”

From the south, you are able to hear the music of that fucked up shit going on.

You travel south and see this thing. Whatever this is, it is clearly bad and weird. You should probably go somewhere else.

This continues to be seriously fucked up. This is not something you should be looking at.

This is not a thing that it’s okay to like. Severely … you should go back before you become completely admission by this sick and seriously fucked nonsense.

Hm…

Ah…

Well, good going. You get exhaustively hypnotized by this bullshit and now you can’t look away. Looking at this is probably going to make your brain greater and flatter, which is the shape of people’s brains when the are incoherent and dangerous.

You didn’t become an adult. You became a hypnotized loon. You blew it.

The End

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You travel east and discover a man smiling at a bunch of sprigs that he’s comprising. “I love my twigs! ” he hollers at his branch. “My twigs are my life! ”

“Well, I don’t know. My twigs are pretty amazing, and I enjoy them. What will you give me in return for my wonderful branches? ”

“You know, ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been fascinated by the ground, ” says the man. “I reckon a volume about the ground would be an incredible behavior for me to discover the whodunits of the ground and the riddles of the soil. I would gladly trade you my fantastic sprigs in exchange for a book about the ground.”

“Some of a auto? That’s almost all of a vehicle! ” says “the mens”. “I would definitely trade you my unbelievable twigs for some of a car.”

“Wow! A map to a boot! ” says “the mens”. “This is extremely good, because I will be able to follow the map and find the boot somewhere in the wilderness. I can go to alcohol eateries and told me to ladies,’ Hey, babe, I know where there is a boot somewhere out in nature, ’ and this will induce the dames want to go to the movies with me! I would gladly trade you my branches for this map to a boot. Thank you!

You give the man what the hell are you promised him and he hands you the branches. All right, you’ve got your sprigs and you’ve strayed deeper than ever into the forest. The next thing you need is to find an evil buffalo who it is ethical to skin.

You steal the man’s branches and sprint away into the forest.

“My twigs! ” screams the man. “I’m lost without them! I’ll never smile again! ” You can hear him sobbing as you spring through the woods.

All right, you’ve got your twigs. The next thing this is necessary is to find an evil buffalo who it is ethical to skin.

You spin around in a circle until you understand a buffalo. There is a buffalo.

You check the Encyclopedia of Known Buffalos and look up the buffalo that’s right in front of you. According to the encyclopedia, he’s a good buffalo. He donated $10 to UNICEF in 1999. You’ll have to find a more evil buffalo to kill.

You maintain spinning around until you find a new buffalo.

You check the Encyclopedia of Known Buffalos and look up the buffalo that’s right in front of you. According to the encyclopedia, he’s a bad buffalo. He once kissed a sign that said “graffiti” on it. This is a rotten-souled buffalo who deserves to die. How would you like to kill the bad buffalo?

You decide to wait patiently for the evil buffalo to die of old age. You sit softly and wait.

The buffalo has died of old age. It’s time to harvest his skin.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components are required to pitching a tent.

You reach into your camper’s satchel and draw out beloved music legend Sting. “I was in The Police, but then I ran solo, ” Sting says to you. You find a big cauldron of poison that somebody to stay in the forest and you dip Sting into it. Sting smiles at you as he sits in the cauldron and lets the poison get all over him. “I’m becoming toxic to feed, ” says Sting.

Sting is now all contained within poison. It’s time to feed him to the bad buffalo.

You fling poison Sting in front of the bad buffalo and the bad buffalo devours him immediately. He becomes dead very soon after this, because of the poison.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components necessary to pitching a tent.

You decide to kill the bad buffalo by telling him about Heaven, where there is a wrench. You tell the buffalo that in Heaven, the wrench in lying around and the angels look at the wrench and say, “Whose wrench is this? ” and nobody answers because nobody knows.

The bad buffalo is so excited to see the wrench in Heaven that he makes his liver explode so that he will immediately succumb. In this behavior, you have killed the bad buffalo.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components are required to pitching a tent.

You return to the campsite and pitch the tent. You put the twigs in a heap and drape the bad buffalo’s skin over the heap of twigs, just like your papa teach you. That’s it! You’ve pitched the tent!

You blow up the buffalo with an airstrike from the U.S. Air Force. Unfortunately, it turns out that this was a good buffalo who donated $10 to UNICEF in 1999, so it was illegal to kill him. You should have checked ahead, because now you have to go to jail.

For the crime of poaching a morally conscious buffalo, you are sentenced to life in prison. By sheer luck, your cellmate is none other than the infamous Son of Sam, the serial killer who liked to let a dog boss him around.

“Hello, ” says Son of Sam. “I are well aware that I am very scary to you because I used to kill a lot of people, but there is no need to worry. I will not kill you unless a dog tells me to. If a bird-dog told me to kill you, I would have to do it, because that seems fair to me. But that’s the only reason I would ever do it. We are going to become best friends, unless a dog get in here and tells me to kill you, in which example, again, I’ll have to listen to the dog. Anyway, nice to meet you.”

You remain in prison for the rest of their own lives. No dogs tell Son of Sam to kill you, so he doesn’t. One hour a police dog tells Son of Sam to call you “Beverly” even though this is not your name. Son of Sam heeds the dog without question and he calls you Beverly for the rest of your life.

The End

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You stroll west and discover a human in the lumbers holding a bunch of logs.

“I hate my logs, ” the man says to you. “My logs are trash. Every night I hide my dreadful logs in the dirt, and every morning I wake up and the logs are back in my bed with me. I wish I could get rid of these logs.”

“No, they are logs. And I detest them.”

“I hate my logs because I once fell my logs onto a piano keyboard and it made a horrible audio that intimidated my wife so much that she sprinted away into the desert and I never watched her again.”

“Yes. My logs are the bane of my life. Every day I pray to God that He will send an angel to become involved in my tent and carry my logs away from me, but instead, every morning an angel comes down from Heaven and gives me a new log.”

“Goodbye.”

Incredible. The tent is complete. Your papa and his friends all clamber in and start whispering the word “camping” to one another. It’s time to get started learning how to be an adult in the lumbers. In ordering to become an adult, you will need to lord the three Pillars of Adulthood and then join your dad for the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity.

What would you like to do first?

You return to the tent. You dad’s pals are all milling all over the campsite enjoying nature and filling their lungs with gnats.

What would you like to do now?

Now that you are a master of Romance, you return to the tent. You dad’s friends are all milling all over the campsite enjoying nature. They have trained a cloud of gnats to form the shape of a boy, and the gnat-cloud humankind is running around the tent while your dad’s pals chase after him and try to convert him to Christianity.

What would you like to do now?

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